Poke Him On
by ravengal
Summary: How many things in Pokémon can one person make fun of? Come find out, as our heroes get tortured, mocked and humiliated in a Pokemon parody! No one is safe. NO ONE.
1. Can't Read My Poké Face

Author's note: Howdy. Well, this is my first attempt at a parody fic. (sweat-drops) Hope I do okay on it. Lol. But, seriously, it was hard to resist. When it comes to Pokemon, the list of things to mock is endless.

Edit: I actually wrote this a loooong time ago, but lost it to the archives and forgot all about it. Since I found it again, I thought I'd clean it up and post it for fun. If it gets a good reception, I'll think about updating it.

I also had a _massive_ list of things to mock, but I lost it. So, suggestions are welcome.

Credit goes to VGS2 for helping me clean it up slightly.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter One<span>: Can't Read My Poke Face**

One sunny day... somewhere... in some woods... in some region... five friends known as Ash, Misty, May, Max and Brock... Oh, wait... can't forget Pikachu. After all, Pikachu's the main character in the story... second only to Mister Wonderful himself, Ash Ketchum. Anyway, the point is: they were all travelling together... somewhere... but God knows why Misty was there. Didn't she have a gym to look after? And what about all those poor, starving, neglected, lonely water Pokemon? Was she seriously relying on her oh-so-perfect actress model sisters - who would each cry if they broke a nail - to look after them for her? Meh, whatever. If they died, it wasn't _her_ problem. After all, adventuring was more important!

Oh, yes, and she was also carrying Azurill- uh, I mean Azumarill. It evolved twice at some point. Don't ask. Anywho, it had laryngitis, the poor thing, so it couldn't talk. Well, that's one less Pokemon to say its name repeatedly, right?

"Where are we?" Misty groaned.

"Lost, of course," Ash replied cheerily. "Don't you remember? We're _always_ lost. It's our signature _thing_ to be lost."

"Well," May said, her stomach acids sloshing around, "couldn't we have gotten lost near a restaurant?"

Max shook his head. "You're just like Ash..." he sad, "it's _always_ about the food."

"Yeah? Well... at least I'm not totally useless on these journeys!"

"'_Useless_'?"

Brock laughed. "Yeah," he replied. "I mean, seriously, what do you _do_, except carry the Pokenav around and cheer the rest of us on?"

"Which is something any of _us_ are perfectly capable of doing," May added.

Max thought about it for a moment, then burst into tears.

"Wow!" Brock said. "Mr. Hotshot can actually cry! Gotta get my camera!" He threw his backpack to the floor and began to rummage around in it.

"That's enough, guys," Ash said. "We shouldn't disrespect each other. Remember, we're supposed to be completely unrealistic and be happy and friendly ninety percent of the time."

Brock pulled out a table and threw it to the side. "Nope." He pulled out a chair and threw it to the side. "Nope." He pulled out another chair and threw it to the side. "Nope." He pulled out a very tall stack of Pokemon food bowls and threw them to the side. "Nope. _Where is that stupid camera_?"

Ash clapped his hands twice. "Misty! Duty calls!" Misty nodded, went over to Brock and dragged him to his feet by the ear with her free hand. "Now, everyone... minus Misty, who was a _good_ little girl... repeat after me... 'I must not be mean to other characters'."

Brock and May sighed. "I must not be mean to other characters..." they said while Misty grinned and Max continued to bawl like a baby.

"'I must be nice to everyone around me'."

"I must be nice to everyone around me..."

"'I mustn't traumatise children by letting them see character development'."

"I mustn't traumatise-"

"Enough!" Max shouted, eyes blazing. He pointed at May. "You'll pay for mocking me and calling me useless." He pointed at Brock. "And so will you! You'll _all_ pay! Because, when I become the best Normal-type gym leader there ever was, I'll take over the world! And capture all Pokemon! And enslave the human race! Mwahahahaha!"

As Max stalked off, May stared at him.

"Right..." she said, "no more sugar for _him_."

"Ahoy, mateys!" a female voice said.

Everyone turned to see a man, a woman and a very short and very ugly guy dressed as sailors.

"Arg," the man said, "pay no attention to the Team Rocket hairstyles or the talking Meowth!"

"Meeeeowth, dat's... I mean aye!" the very short and very ugly guy said.

"We're not Team Rocket at all! Just their sailorific lookalikes!"

The woman did a peace sign by her forehead. "In the name of the moon!" she cried.

"Wrong anime..."

The woman lowered her arm. "Whoops!"

"Hmm..." Ash said, examining them for a moment. "Okay! I believe you!" He turned to Misty. "I'm no idiot. I _know_ these three are trustworthy. You can tell because they look like Team Rocket."

"Hehe!" the woman shouted. "He totally fell for it, just like he _always_ does!"

"Yeah!" the man shouted back. "Now all we have to do is steal his Pikachu!"

"Yeah!" the very short and very ugly guy shouted. "Though it'd be much easier if we caught one in the wild."

"Don't be silly!" the woman shouted. "_This_ one somehow managed to blow up a Pokemon Centre on its first day with Ash!" She paused. "Plus, we're lazy, remember?"

"Got _that_ right!" the man shouted. "Who needs _training_ when there's always _stealing_?"

"Dahn straight!" the very short and very ugly guy shouted. "Say, how do ya even _know_ it was its foist day wid Ash?"

"Um, well..." the woman replied.

"Uh, excuse me..." May said, "I know you three are shouting to each other, but I've still not managed to hear what you're saying. Could you, maybe, say it a little louder?"

"Hmm? Oh, terribly sorry." The woman pulled something from her pocket. "Now, just wait a second while I put on these rubber gloves."

May beamed. "Okay!"

Finally, she'd finished pulling them on. "All done." She turned to Ash. "Now, may I be completely unsuspicious and hold your Pikachu for a sec?"

"Sure," Ash replied, picking Pikachu up and handing it over, "since you're _ever_ so trustworthy, even though I've only just met you."

"Pika Pika!" Pikachu said gleefully. The three sailors chuckled evilly.

"Bye!" they all said, dashing off.

"And, while you're at it," Ash continued, "would you like to hold my Swellow? Hey! What the-?"

Now angry that someone could do such a horrible thing, he chased after them. His friends followed suit, Brock grabbing his backpack, yet leaving behind everything he'd taken out of it.

"Come back here with Ash's pride and joy!" Brock yelled. "He raised Pikachu from a... Pikachu... and the two of them are inseparable!"

"... Why does 'Pikachu' have a capital letter, anyway?" Misty asked in wonderment. "I mean, real mice don't _exist_ in this world, which must make the _Pokemon_ the real animals... but 'mice' and 'animals' don't have capital letters, whereas 'Pikachu' and 'Pokemon' _do_."

"Yeah..." May agreed, "and why do trainers _call_ their Pikachu 'Pikachu', anyway? That'd be like calling your dog 'Dog'."

"_And_ let's not forget that there's no such thing as 'Pikachus'... 'cause the plural of 'Pikachu' is 'Pikachu'."

"Now's not the time to be discussing things like this, guys!" Ash shouted. "And you're not even supposed to _know_ about real animals!"

"Yeah!" Brock agreed. "Can we _please_ get back to the matter at hand?"

"Right, sorry," May replied." She turned to the three thieves. "Just who are you people, anyway? You may have thrown us a million clues, but it's still flown completely over my head!" May paused a moment. "And I've totally left my psychopathic brother behind, haven't I?"

The trio whipped off their sailor outfits by the Velcro to reveal... Take a guess!

"Three... two... one," the woman, who, it turns out, was actually Jessie, said.

"_Team Rocket_!" all four heroes cried out in perfect synchrony.

"Wow..." the man, who, it turns out, was actually James, said, "those twerps should join the choir. They have such perfect timing. Not to mention predictability!"

"Give him back his Pikachu!" Misty cried out. "Or he'll end up doing something really brash and stupid, like he _always_ does!"

"Oh, gee, I'm sorry..." Jessie replied. "I had no idea this Pikachu meant so much to you..."

Ash smiled. "So, you'll give it back?" he asked.

"Hmm, let me think... Nah!"

Ash frowned. "Fiends!"

On and on they ran, past trees, bushes, wild Pokemon, trees, bushes, wild Pokemon, trees, bushes, wild Pokemon, trees, bushes and... take a guess.

"I challenge you to a battle!" a random trainer shouted to Ash.

"Get lost, random guy I don't care about!"

"Yeah!" Misty agreed. "You're so insignificant, you don't even have a name!"

The random trainer sulked and went to his hollow tree trunk emo corner... which happened to be the home of a very aggressive Rattata that attacked him on sight.

* * *

><p>Finally, our wonderful, magnificent, ever-so holy and god-like heroes, whose only goal in life is to make the world a better place... and Team Rocket... made it out of the woods. There was a cliff at the end of their pathway, despite the fact that the forest had been at sea level (Meh, details) and above it floated a hot air balloon shaped like a Meowth, with not a scratch on it, despite the amount of times it had been popped. Again, details.<p>

"Catch us if you can, twerps!" Jessie yelled.

Straight after, she, James and the very short and very ugly guy, who, it turns out, was actually Meowth, did the perfectly normal thing of jumping twenty feet in the air to land gracefully in the balloon basket. Nothing strange and other-worldly about that, now, is there?

"Yay!" James called out, pointing dramatically at the sky. "The amazing power of chakra! Now to dispose of you." He puts his hands together in a strange sign. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

Jessie sighed. "And you mock _me_ for mixing up the animes..." she said.

"I'm coming, Pikachu!" Ash yelled before jumping off the cliff himself... and suddenly noticing that he was suspended in mid-air. "Uh... aren't _I_ supposed to able to jump that high, too?"

"Not today, apparently," Brock replied.

Ash bore a look of fear before falling. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

The remaining three friends looked over the edge of the cliff and watched their friend plummet.

"Always gotta be the big hero..." Misty said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Should we help him?" May asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"I think we'd better," Brock said. "Otherwise, he'll end up cracking his head open on those sharp rocks."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

May hissed through her teeth. "Ouch..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"But it'd be his own fault, really," Misty said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Very true," Brock replied.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Good grief..." May said, "just how big _is_ this cliff, anyway?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Who wants to do the honours?" Misty asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"I will," Brock replied.

Pulling a rope from his backpack, he tossed the end over the side... and, as if by magic, the end managed to fall fast enough to reach Ash. Amazing, huh? But, unfortunately, he still cracked his head on a sharp rock.

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH- OW!"

Brock sweat-dropped. "Whoops... missed..."

"Idiot," Misty muttered. "Don't you know you're supposed to catch him before he hits the ground? The only violence this show's meant to have is Pokemon slaughtering each other."

"Which, when you think about it," May said, "is technically animal abuse."

Misty quickly hid her dog fighting tickets in her back pocket, whistling innocently. Azumarill fell to the floor with a bump. It was not a happy bunny, but it couldn't talk, so it had to suck it up and deal.

"But why didn't you bring out a _Pokemon_ to save him?"

"Uh..." Brock said, sweat-dropping again, "I... uh... forgot?"

"Oh, quit worrying!" Jessie called out from above. "He'll be fine! Cartoon characters have an amazing way of surviving near-death encounters!"

"I'm okay!" Ash called out from below. "Not that anyone cares!"

"See? Now, if you don't mind... direct your attention back onto us! We're stealing Pikachu here! And... we could have just escaped while you were watching Ash fall to his near-death, but hey. That's not how we roll in Team Rocket!"

"Very true," Brock replied.

"Hey..." Misty said, "why haven't you three done your motto yet?"

All three Team Rocket members sweat-dropped.

"Uh..." James said.

"We fohgot?" Meowth offered.

"Well, you'd best get on with it then!" May called out.

"Right!" Jessie said. "Prepare for trouble. You'd- Hey! I've been silhouetted! And could someone please get rid of this galactic background? It's hardly realistic!"

"Make it double," James said before pausing. "Darn... I'm unrealistically good at rhyming, but even _I'm_ stumped on that one..."

"Wait a minute..." Brock said, "why have we never thought to tell Pikachu to _bite through_ the rubber gloves?"

Everyone in the vicinity sweat-dropped... even Ash, who had amazing hearing, considering how far away he was.

"Uh, Pikachu?" Misty called out. "Since you're so incompetent that you need someone to _instruct_ you on what to do... and, since Ash has gone and hurt himself through recklessness, meaning _I'll_ have to give you a command... bite her arm!"

Pikachu stared at her in confusion. "Pika?" it asked.

"No, not the _move_ Bite! Just use your teeth!"

Comprehension crossed Pikachu's face. "Pi Pika!"

Doing as instructed, it bit Jessie's arm. "Yeowch!" Jessie screeched, letting go and allowing Pikachu to jump from the balloon basket.

"... Ash is supposed to go rushing over to catch Pikachu, just before it hits the ground, isn't he?" May asked.

"Yeah," Brock replied.

"But he can't," Misty said, "'cause he's down _there_."

They all looked at each other... while Pikachu continued to fall. Amazing how long it takes for a character in Pokemon to hit the ground, eh?

May sighed. "I'll do it," she said, rushing over. "I got you, Pikachu!" Pikachu smacked into the floor. "Or not..."

Ash could be heard crying down below.

"Now," Brock said, pointing at Team Rocket dramatically, "finish 'em off with one of your amazing Thunderbolts that only explode when they hit Team Rocket! And merely electrocute people we actually like! Which is anyone other than Team Rocket!"

Pikachu did as instructed, zapping Team Rocket with a Thunderbolt attack, causing a huge explosion that sent them flying.

"Ya know..." Meowth said, "in retrospect, we probably shouldn't bathe in gasoline."

"But I _like_ bathing in gasoline!" James whined. "It's more fun than water... and it gives off such fragrant fumes."

Jessie sighed. "We're blasting off again..." she mumbled.

As they disappeared on the horizon, all that was left of them was a star going _ping_... Just what did they have on them that was so darn shiny, anyway? Maybe it was James' bottle cap collection.

After a moment of silence, Brock said, "Oh, yeah... we're meant to celebrate now, aren't we?"

"Oh, yeah..." Misty replied. "Yay! We won!"

"And that's _totally_ not something we do very often!" May added. "Being the main characters and all."

"Help..." Ash's faint voice called out.

Everyone looked over the edge to see Ash's twisted figure below them and cringed.

"We can't show that on kids TV," Misty said.

"Yeah..." May replied, "too gruesome."

"Who thinks I should call the narrator and tell him to end this thing early?" Brock asked.

"I do," Misty relied.

"I do," May replied.

"Pikachu Pika..." Pikachu groaned, peeling itself off the floor.

"A... zuma... rill..." Azumarill replied in a hoarse whisper.

"Okay," Brock replied.

He pulled a cell phone from his amazing backpack that was bigger on the inside to call the narrator. Seriously, is he secretly a Time Lord from Planet Gallifrey, or something? Maybe he should join Doctor Who. Anyway, he called the narrator and, once he explained the situation, hung up.

"Well," the narrator said, "since our main hero has had a nasty accident, we'll have to end here... Huh? Oh, right. Ahem! And, now, it's time for me to say something very dated and cheesy... like everything else on this show. With May looking forward to her next contest, in the next unknown town, in this unknown region-"

"There's a _contest_?" May shrieked.

"Yes. Anyway, what's in store for our heroes?" He paused. "Y'know... besides a new adventure... Team Rocket trying to steal Pikachu... and friendship being crammed down your throat every five minutes... Seriously, kids, friendship is good for you. It's one of your five a day."

Misty looked at you, the viewer. "Next time," she said, "we're joined by new friends that didn't exist when this chapter was first written... and we'll discover genders that weren't confirmed at the time!"

"Hey! Stop that! Narrating is the only role I have in this show, so don't try to take it away from me! I don't get to train Pokemon, go on adventures or save the world... I don't even get a name!"

Misty sweat-dropped and turned away. "Whoops! Sorry!"

The narrator sighed. "Stay tuned..."

**To Be Continued...**


	2. He's The Mon

Author's note: And we're back, with more nonsensical fun! Please enjoy.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter Two<span>: He's The Mon**

The Earth... an exquisite blue planet with more than a million species living on it... The Earth... Oh, sorry, wrong anime. We seem to be having that problem a lot, don't we?

Ash laughed and quickly hid his fluffy heart-shaped bell of death behind his back. "Yeah, I know, right?" he said.

"Pika Pika..." Pikachu agreed from the floor.

"Hey..." Misty said, Azumarill riding on her shoulder. She was sick of carrying the little bugger, especially since its laryngitis had magically disappeared now. "Since when we were you alright again?"

"Yeah," May agreed, as she dragged Max along by his arm. He was wailing something about taking over the world, but she wasn't listening. "I thought you were gravely injured after throwing yourself off a cliff."

"Tis the magic of 4Kids!" Ash replied. "They edited it out, so I'm fine now!"

"Uh..." Brock said, "but 4Kids don't dub this anime anym-"

"Don't question the main character!"

"Yes, master!"

Anyway, our magnificent heroes who can do no wrong continue onwards through this unknown region. Doesn't matter what the region's called. A region's a region at the end of the day, right? You see one string of gyms, you've seen 'em all.

As for the food situation, let's just say they ate off-camera. Or they're living off their fat reserves. Or the magic of friendship curbed their hunger pangs. Either one works, really.

"Stop struggling, Max!" May cried. "I'm starting to consider disowning you!"

"But it's not fair!" he replied. "You called me useless!"

"Well, you _are_."

"And I found out that some viewers thought I was a girl!"

"... Really?"

"Yeah!" He stared angrily through the screen. "I'm looking at _you_, VGS2..."

"Now that's just silly!" May snatched Ash's hat from his head.

"Hey!" Ash cried.

May put the hat on Max's head. "There, you see? Now you look like that guy who loves his Rattata!"

Ash could be heard sobbing about his missing hat off-camera.

"Hmph!" Max said. "Why am _I_ the only one who causes gender confusion? _You're_ secretly a boy!"

May slapped her hands over Max's mouth. "You traitor! They must never know!"

"A boy?" Misty asked. "But you've got a bigger chest than _me_!"

"Uh... Uh... Look! Over there!"

Everyone turned to see Dawn standing there. "Hi, guys!" she said.

"Oh, wow, there actually _was_ something there... I mean, hi!"

"Did your skirt get shorter?" Ash asked.

"Impossible!" Brock replied.

"Hey!" Dawn said angrily. "This fic is a K plus, so keep your eyes up here!"

"_You're_ the one with a skirt barely covering your-" Misty said.

"Well, if the wind picks up, 4Kids can just edit it out."

"But..." Brock replied, "I thought we'd already discussed thi-"

"Don't question the main female lead!"

"Yes, mistress!"

Misty and May got angry. "Oh, so you think _you're_ the female lead now?" Misty cried.

"Well, bring it on, short skirt!" May cried.

The three girls started brawling in the mud that appeared from nowhere, while the three guys stared in awe. Azumarill hopped off Misty's shoulder and walked away with an innocent whistle.

Once the coast was clear, Buneary took this opportunity to pop out of her Pokeball and approach Pikachu.

"Hiya, handsome~!" she said.

The world stopped for a minute to process the shock and horror of Pokemon having genders and talking English.

"Gah! Female!" Pikachu cried, sweat-dropping like crazy. "Cannot handle, cannot handle."

"How about you and me go someplace quiet?"

"Been... around... Ash... too long..." His eyes suddenly went blank. "What's a girl?"

"You're a _boy_?" Azumarill asked in shock. "Since _when_?"

"Since the day I was born, obviously!" He paused. "I think. Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"I may have been a girl back in Kanto. Not totally sure."

"Well, then..." Azumarill jostled over to snuggle up to Pikachu. "Helloooo, male nurse!"

"Wait a minute! You're a girl,_ too_?"

"Eh, maybe. Then again, maybe not. But the author totally used to ship us, you know."

"Oh, Arceus..."

"Hold everything!" a voice called out, before Togetic suddenly landed on the ground next to them.

"_Togetic_?" Pikachu asked incredulously. "But I thought you'd left Misty _forever_!"

"I did... but I consider this an urgent matter." She flew over and glomped Pikachu. "Because the author totally shipped _me_ with you _first_!"

"You've been _female_ this entire time?"

"Who knows! That was never specified."

"Wait!" another voice called out.

"Oh, come on..." Pikachu said.

A Bellossom suddenly appeared, shoving both Togetic and Azumarill aside and hugging Pikachu. "I'm clearly the best ship here!"

"... And... who the heck are you?" Togetic asked.

"A random Bellossom that's never even appeared on the show. Problem?"

"But it makes no sense for the author to ship you with Pikachu!" Azumarill cried.

"Yeah!" Togetic agreed. "At least me and Azumarill belong to Misty! Pokeshipping was the first pairing that the author ever shipped _ever_, so it makes sense that she'd pair us off with him!"

"But _your_ genders were never confirmed, right?" Bellossom asked with a smirk.

"Well... no, but-"

"Well, I'm an OC, so I'm female by default. _Suck on it_!"

From that day on, Togetic and Azumarill were stereotypical emos, both dressing in black and wearing heavy make-up.

"How could this happen to meeee?" Togetic sang. "I've made my mistaaaakes!"

"Craaaawling iiiin my skiiiin!" Azumarill sang. "These woooounds, they wiiiill not heaaaal!"

Buneary laughed maniacally. "See, _this_ is where I have you beaten, foul Bellossom!" she cried. "For it is _canon_ that I love Pikachu!"

Bellossom gasped in horror. "No!" she cried.

"And it is _also_ canon that I am female!"

Bellossom gasped again. "No!"

"And, despite me being the last to exist of all three of you, the author is a full-on lagomorphshipper!"

"Noooooooooo!" Bellossom fell to her non-existent knees. "But the only reason she created me in the first place was to ship me with Pikachu..." A steam of unmanly tears fell down her face. "What purpose do I have _now_?"

"Well, to be fair, the first story she made of you two was you using Attract on him... and him snapping out of it, only to slap you to the floor and completely ignore you afterwards. Super romantic, huh~?"

Bellossom rolled into a ball and sobbed.

* * *

><p>Eventually, Misty, May and Dawn had stopped fighting in the mud, due to the risk of the details creeping past the K plus barrier. Let's just say that Ash had seen things, maaaan. He'd never view girls the same way again. As for Brock, he was busy stabbing himself in the gut for daring to think that way about girls younger than Nurse Joy. Max was scarred for life and spent ten minutes muttering to himself in a corner.<p>

Once the girls had cleaned themselves up, Dawn had stopped running around, screaming about being dirty, and Ash had taken his hat back from Max, May blinked in realisation.

"Wait..." she said, "didn't I have a contest coming up soon? The narrator said so last chapter."

"That's right!" Dawn replied. "I do, too - obviously - so can I travel with you guys?"

"Sure!" Ash said. He puffed out his chest smugly. "You can help escort me to my next gym battle, travelling companion!"

"Uh, my name's Dawn, rememb-?"

"Don't care! To me, you're all just travelling companions! If one of you leaves, I can easily replace you with someone else!"

They all looked at him with horrified expressions... except for Dawn. She'd hired a volcano to erupt behind her.

"_EXCUSE ME_?" She ran forward and started strangling Ash. "_So my name isn't important to you, huh? **Huh**?_ _**Punk**_?"

"Gack!" He looked to everyone else. "Guys, help me!"

"Hmm..." they all replied in perfect synchrony, "nah."

"**_No one forgets my_ _name_**..." Dawn growled in a demonic voice, "_**no one**_..."

"But Ash is _known_ for forgetting stuff," Misty said. "Remember Pidgeot?"

Ash stopped dying for a second to look at her in confusion. "Who?" he asked.

* * *

><p>A long distance away, a lone Pidgeot stared at the sky, manly tears streaking down its face. "He'll come back for me..." he said to himself, "he promised..."<p>

A Pidgeotto approached. "Hey," it said, "just forget the stupid human and let's make Pidgey together~"

He turned angrily to her. "Leave me be, woman! My trainer will come back for me! He _will_! And then you'll see! You'll all see!"

* * *

><p>"Mmm, nope, don't remember," Ash said, before promptly dying of oxygen deprivation.<p>

"Hmph!" Dawn said, letting him drop to the floor.

"In fact, _there's_ a question!" May said. "Why do you always change your Pokemon with every new region?"

Ash didn't respond.

Misty scowled and walked over. "Ash Ketchup! I mean, Ketchum!" she yelled. "May just asked you a question!"

Ash didn't respond. I wonder why.

"Ash!" She stomped on his face repeatedly. "Get. the. heck. up. you. lazy. bum!"

"Wah!" he cried. He blinked up at her, then his eyes started watering. "Misty... you saved my life."

"Yeah, whatever. Just answer her question."

"Huh?"

"What, you deaf now, too?" She stomped on his face again. "Why do you always change your Pokemon with every new region?"

"Ow!" He jumped to his feet, amazingly unharmed by the abuse and also not caring about it at all. "Well..." He brushed his fingers against a Pokeball on his belt, which used to contain Swellow, but now contained his new resident Meowth balloon-popper- I mean, cherished friend, Staraptor. "Because a new region means a fresh start and a fresh start means fresh Pokemon to compete with!"

May laughed. "Right!" she replied. "You're just advertising that region's most popular Pokemon to the kids!"

"Yeah," Misty agreed, "though I still think you're stupid for getting rid of your strongest Pokemon for much weaker ones."

"Hey!" Ash cried. "If I kept the old ones, I'd be decimatin' foo's around the region, yo! This way, I don't win too easily."

Max folded his arms. "Says the guy whose Pikachu is probably level one hundred by now," he said.

"Pika Pika..." Pikachu added before being smothered in another hug by Buneary.

"Quiet, living Pokedex!" Ash yelled. He gave the area a shifty look. "We don't deal in levels around here."

Dawn started intently at Max for a moment, then screamed and backed away quickly.

"What's wrong, Dawn?" Brock asked.

"I just realised!" she cried. She pointed a shaky finger at Max. "That hairstyle... those glasses... that living Pokedex persona... He's a younger Conway!"

Ash and Brock gasped in horror. Misty and May looked confused.

"What the heck's a Conway?" Misty asked.

"Sounds like a ripoff of Subway," May replied.

Brock immediately jumped in front of Dawn. "I'll protect you!" he cried, pulling a wooden cross from nowhere. "Back! _Back_, foul beast!"

"Argh!" Max cried, shielding his face. "Religion in a kid's show! It burns!"

* * *

><p>Elsewhere, 4Kids felt a disturbance in the force. They all reached for their emergency editing tools before remembering that they didn't own the rights to Pokemon anymore. They all went off to their emo corners.<p>

* * *

><p>"The power of Insert Holy Deity Here compels you!" Brock yelled, throwing a bucket of water over Max.<p>

"Argh!" Max screamed. "It burns us! It burns us!"

"Kill it!" Dawn cried. "Kill it before it lays eggs! Or starts stalking me! Either one works!"

"I'm meeeeltiiiing!"

"How many references can we make in one chapter, I wonder?" Misty asked.

"As many as we want!" May replied, pulling a plunger from nowhere and dancing randomly.

Misty shrugged, pulled out her own plunger and danced alongside her. All they needed now was plumber suits. Maybe the odd musical number.

"Jeez..." Pikachu said after finally breaking away from Buneary. His paw kept her at arms length, as she tried desperately to latch onto him again. "We'd better call the narrator, before this gets any weirder." The humans all stopped what they were doing and turned to stare at him. He sweat-dropped. "Uh... I mean... Pika Pi Pika Pikachu."

They all got back to what they were doing, no questions asked.

"Ooh, you're so sexy with your Pikas and your chus~" Buneary said.

He made sure to keep his paw held against her forehead. "What is _with_ you, anyway? Ash has plenty of male Pokemon. Why am I the only one you stalk?"

"I can't help it if you look super hot catching a potato~"

"... Catching a potato?"

"Mmm-hmm! Croagunk was like..." She mimed throwing a potato. "Hyew! And you were like..." She mimed jumping after it. "Whew! And I was like..." She gave him a look of awe. "Whoa!"

"... In English?"

"Don't you mean Pokemon?"

"Whatever."

"You caught the freaking potato, man! It was so high, but you were like "Don't care" and you caught it! You freaking caught it!"

"... And this is special because...?"

"It looked cool. Plus, you looked insanely hot doing it."

"But I'm a Pikachu! How can a Pikachu look hot?"

Buneary shrugged. "I dunno, but you manage it."

Pikachu facepalmed with his free paw. "Urgh... why did they have to make me the mascot?" He got angry. "That's it!" He dashed away from Buneary, who immediately fell flat on her face. "Narrator dude! I want out! Give Ash a Clefairy starter, instead!"

"Uh..." the narrator replied, "I don't think I'm qualified to be changing things on this show."

"I don't care! I demand you give him a Clefairy!"

The narrator gave a frustrated sigh. "Alright, fine." He turned Pikachu into a Clefairy. "There. Happy now?"

Pikachu - sorry, Clefairy - looked down at himself in horror. "_WHAT_?" He frantically ran around in circles. "AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"

"Anyway... ignoring Ash's Clefairy..."

"Ash's _hot_ Clefairy!" Buneary added.

"Yes... anyway... with the addition of an old friend, our heroes continue on their travels..."

"Travels?" Misty asked, spinning her plunger around.

"... Our heroes continue on their travels, with both May and Dawn looking forward to their next contest... although does anyone care about that, really? I mean, who _really_ likes to watch contests? Let alone _read_ about them?"

"HEY!" May cried, pointing her plunger at the camera. "I take offense to that remark!"

"I'd take offense too, if I wasn't busy over here!" Dawn cried, still hiding behind Brock.

"Anyway, what will happen next in this tale of romance, suspense, mystery and tragedy? And will I ever stop sounding so pretentious?" He paused. "Probably not. Stay tuned!"

**To Be Continued...**


	3. Pokémonster Mash

Author's note: Hello~! And welcome to another episode of Ravengal Posts Something! Today on the show, we have Poke Him On! We hope you enjoy his performance!

Here's a cart of rotten tomatoes, if you need it~! Now, on with the show!

P.S. Credit for the title goes to VGS2.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Chapter Three<span>: Pokemonster Mash**

"Like a plumber~!" Misty sung, swinging her plunger around as she walked. "Plunging for the very first time! Like a plu-u-u-u-mber~! Got your toilet... on my mind~!"

"Hey, now!" May sung, also swinging her plunger as she walked. "You're a plumber! Get your plunger! Go plunge! Hey, now! You're a rocker! Get your guitar! Go grunge!"

The two girls put their heads together. "Bowser's stinky and o-old~!" they sung together. "Only super sta-ars get theeee go-o-old~!"

"Are you two finished making stupid references?" Max asked in annoyance. Canned laughter erupted from nowhere. "Half the people reading this won't get them anyway!"

"Did you hear something, May?" Misty asked.

"Nope!" May replied cheerfully. "My ears tend to filter out pointless noise!"

Max heaved a sigh.

"Nice to see you're not scared of Max anymore, Dawn!" Ash said.

"Yeah, well, you know us Pokémon characters!" Dawn replied cheerfully. "We never hold a grudge for very long! Do we, Team Rocket?"

"Nope!" Team Rocket replied from the bushes.

"Our job is to be happy and smiley and teach kids the importance of friendship!" She grabbed Max in a hug. "Friiiiend~!"

"... I think I liked it better when you were throwing water on me..." Max replied.

* * *

><p>"And that," Piplup said smugly, "is reason five hundred of why I'm so awesome."<p>

"Riveting..." Clefairy replied.

"Pink is such a manly colour!" Buneary said. "Don't you think, Clefairy?"

"Please stop calling me that..."

He tried to shake her off, but was unsuccessful. She'd actually glued herself onto him. With a glue gun. It had scorched some skin off on both sides, but hey.

"But you _are_ a Clefairy, silly!"

"You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?" Piplup asked, angry.

"And who _wouldn't_ wanna date such a faaaabulous Pokémon? Well, I prefer yellow, myself... or do I? Eh. You're totally smokin', either way."

"Hey, listen to meeee!" Piplup cried. "When the penguin talks, you sit up and listen!"

"Can we still breed? I _hope_ we can still breed. You're in the field group, right? Or was it ground?"

"Why does nobody listen to meeee?"

"And hey, we're both normal-type now, aren't we? It must be destiny."

Piplup started to dance around. "Pay... a.. tten... tion... to... meeee!"

A Draco Meteor suddenly fell from the sky and smashed Piplup in the face. How did it get there? No one knows.

Walking over Piplup's corpse, Clefairy and Buneary continued on their merry way.

* * *

><p>"And that's why I wear such a short skirt, you see!" Dawn said.<p>

"It all makes sense now..." Ash said, wide-eyed.

"I feel like I have uncovered the secrets of the universe!" Brock said with a clenched fist.

"I know, right?" Dawn replied, grinning. She stopped walking. "Hey... do you hear music?"

"What, you mean us?" Misty asked as everyone else stopped walking.

"We _have_ been singing for the past five minutes," May added.

"No, not _you_ guys... It's coming from over..." She turned around. "There."

Everyone turned to look and saw someone walking towards them.

"Hey, is that...?" Ash asked.

"Oh no..." Max groaned.

_I'm... too sexy for my shirt... Too sexy for my shirt... So sexy, it hurts~!_

"Hey, Drew!" May said.

Drew stopped in front of them, wearing his signature smirk. "Hey, May," he replied.

He flipped his fringe. Then a glass of water appeared in his hand. Without a word, he dumped it over himself and started to shake it off. Time slowed down to a crawl as every droplet of water rolled down his luscious locks and made the very air around him sparkle.

"Nice to see you too, Drew!"

"L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it."

"Oh-god-it's-the-prince-of-Hoenn-oh-god-oh-god!" Dawn screeched, bouncing up and down on her toes.

"Hmph," Max said. "Thinks he's all that, just because he's got green hair..."

"Do _you_ have green hair?" Drew asked.

"... Shut up."

Drew smirked, then pulled a bouquet of roses from nowhere. "Here." He held them out to May.

"Oh, thanks!" she replied, taking the roses.

"Dang..." Misty said, "you must really like her."

"Nah," he replied, "they're actually for her totally hot Beautifly." He winked at May. "Tell her to call me, okay?"

"Uh, sure..." May said, "though her gender hasn't been..." Drew was already walking away. "Confirmed..." She paused. "Ah well. Free roses!" She tossed her plunger away and began to spin the roses. "Hey, now! You're a plumber...!"

"Uh, guys?" Ash asked. "When did I get a Clefairy?"

"Well," Brock replied, "technically, you should have had one anyway, since Clefairy was the original mascot of Pokémon... but I dunno."

"And where'd my Pikachu go?"

"Not us this time!" Team Rocket called out from the bushes.

"Huh... Oh well! I get a brand new mascot! That means it's time to make a brand new name for myself! Hi ho, Clefairy, awaaaay!"

"Kill me..." Clefairy muttered.

"Oh, look!" Brock said. "It's Paul!"

Ash immediately spun around. "Paul?" he asked with a grin. Paul walked straight past him. Most people would take this as a hint of some kind, but not Ash Ketchum. He trotted along behind him. "Hi, Paul! How's your training going? You got any new badges? Any new techniques you wanna show me? How about we have a battle?"

Paul stopped in his tracks and Ash bumped into him. Paul turned around dramatically. "I abuse Pokémon," he said.

Ash stared at him for a moment, then grew angry. "You monster! How could you? Pokémon are our friends! They're meant to be loved and cherished and treated like our own children! We're meant to hug them and pet them and squeeze them and name them George!" He huffed and turned away. "I hate you and I hate everything you stand for, because you aren't Care Bear-y enough! From this day forth, you and me are enemies, you hear? Enemies!"

"Whatever," Paul replied, walking away.

"Wow," Misty said, "that guy's a jerk."

"Watch this," Brock muttered. "Oh, look, it's Paul!"

Ash spun around, grinning. "Paul?" he asked. "Hi, Paul!" He trotted along behind him. "How's your training going?"

"Huh..." Misty said. "No kidding about that 'not holding a grudge' thing, Dawn."

"Paul's such a nice guy, isn't he?" Dawn said with a smile.

"Uh, sure..."

"Hey, Dee Dee!" a voice said.

"Huh?" Dawn asked, turning to look. "Kenny!"

"_More_ random cameos that I don't even know?" Misty asked.

"Hey, I don't know them either," May said.

"Dee Dee, Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee!" Kenny said.

"... That's a lot of Dees."

A fat penguin wearing a crown chased a pink blob in the background. Nobody noticed.

"This is my childhood friend, Kenny..." Dawn explained, "and he just _won't let the Diamond Dandruff thing goooooooo_!" She collapsed to the floor and sobbed.

"Dee Dee!" Kenny replied before walking off.

"Any more?" Misty asked.

Suddenly, Zoey appeared from nowhere and walked past Dawn, who was still sobbing on the floor. "Hey, cutie~!" she said to her.

"... Oh god, the images..." Max muttered.

"Oh no!" May yelped. "Quick! Get rid of her before the homophobes see her!"

Brock saluted. "On it!" he replied. He immediately started shoving Zoey away.

"See you at our next contest, Dawn~!" Zoey said before she was pushed off the nearest cliff.

Cliffs. Here for all your quick exits! Only $10.99 at Walmart.

"Maybe we should end the chapter soon?" May asked. "The random cameos are getting a bit much."

Suddenly a girl swung past on a vine. "Iris! Iris!" she sang. "Iris of the jungle-"

"Watch out for that tree!" Misty cried.

The girl crashed into the tree and fell off the vine, disappearing from view.

"... Well, that was weird..."

"Is _she_ gonna be joining us, too?" May asked.

Brock folded his arms. "The author doesn't know enough about the Black and White series to feel comfortable writing for the characters in it yet." He glared at the camera. "ravengal... and that's 'ravengal' with a small 'r'... you really need to watch some more Black and White!"

"Alright, that's enough, twerps!" Jessie yelled as Team Rocket leapt out of the bushes. "You've broken the fourth wall too many times now!"

"Yeah, that's _our_ job!" James cried.

"And no one does fourt wall-breakin' better dan Team Rocket!" Meowth added.

Jessie grabbed a Pokeball. "So, prepare to pay for your insol-" Suddenly, someone barged past her and knocked her over. "Wah!"

"Hey, guys!" Tracey said, beaming with sketch pad in hand.

"Oh, hey, Tracey!" Misty replied. "Finally, someone I know!"

"Can I join your group?"

"... Will you prove useful?" May asked.

"Well, I... draw things!"

"... Sure, why not?" May beamed.

"Oh, come on!" Max cried. "He draws things? How is that useful?"

"... Tell me what _your_ role is again, Max?"

"... Shut up."

"Oh boy!" Tracey said. "First thing I'm gonna do is..." He looked around. "Draw that wild Starly over there! Oh, this'll be so awesome!" He sat down and starting drawing the Starly.

"When's our contest, anyway, Dawn?" May asked.

"I dunno," Dawn replied. "Whenever the author feels like writing it, I guess." She glared at the camera. "You'd better be thinking of writing it, ravengal! I don't wanna find that all this build-up is leading to nothing! I did a lot of training for this contest, you know!"

"Like a plumber~!" May sang. "Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too!"

"That Paul!" Ash fumed, storming back over to the group. "He's such a jerk! I hate him and want him to go die in a fire!" He stopped walking. "Ohai, Tracey!"

"Hush!" Tracey replied. "I'm in the zone..."

Brock was busy glaring at Tracey's back. "Stupid Tracey and his stupid spotlight-stealing..." he muttered. "I leave for a little while and immediately get replaced... I know just how the girls feel... and all because I chose to stay with Professor I..." His face paled. "Iv... Noooo, not again!" He curled into a ball. "I'm too young for this, Professor! Please!"

"Dark..." May muttered, edging away from Brock.

"You know..." Misty said, "with all these love interests showing up..."

"Love interests?" Dawn asked, finally up from the floor.

"What, you mean Drew?" May asked.

"All of them, I guess," Misty replied, "since every character gets shipped with every character at _some_ point."

"Eh, true."

"It makes me think about the total lack of romance on this show."

"Yeah," Dawn agreed, "it _is_ pretty bone-dry."

"But it's an anime about friendship!" May said with a smile. "Who needs romance when you have friendship? And little creatures beating the snot out of each other!"

"But," Misty replied, "most of the fics made about us focus on romance, solely because there's none in the anime!" She clenched a fist. "I have a passion deep within me that burns with the ferocity of a thousand suns! Heck, I even had a song about it! Dub only! Kasumi-chan didn't get that kind of privilege." She scooted over to Ash. "Ash, it's time we stopped fooling around. You and I both know who that song is referring to, so let's end this romantic tension, already."

"Huh?" Ash asked. "You say something, Misty?" There was a long, drawn-out pause. Then Misty punched him in the face and stormed off. "Ow! What'd I say?"

"Wow, amazing!" Tracey said, immediately ripping away a page and drawing something. "I've never seen Ash with a black eye before! This'll make a great sketch to show Professor Oak!" He paused. "Ahhh, Professor Oak... Wonderous, glorious Professor Oak... He's so awesome..." He paused again, then continued drawing. "He's gonna love this!"

Max folded his arms. "... I really shouldn't have given up on that whole taking-over-the-world thing..." he said.

"What did I do, Mistyyyy?" Ash cried. "And stop drawing me, Tracey! I'm not a Pokémon!"

Tracey looked up from his sketch. "Oh, didn't I tell you?" he asked. "I upgraded myself from Pokémon watcher to _everything_ watcher! So I could expand my horizons and impress Professor Oak even more! Now, hold still." He continued drawing.

"Tracey!"

"Well..." the narrator said, "I guess it's about time to end things off... Things are getting a little out-of-hand around here. Again. Ahem, anyway! With our heroes _still_ on their way to the next town-"

"Hey!" Clefairy cried. "What about _me_?"

"... What _about_ you?"

"I'm still a Clefairy!"

"... Your point?"

"Yeah, your point?" Buneary asked, still glued to his arm.

"Make me a Pikachu again!" Clefairy yelled.

The narrator sighed. "You're a picky little thing, aren't you?" he replied. "Alright, fine." He turned Clefairy back into a Pikachu. "There. Now, don't bother me again."

"Woooo! Alright!"

Buneary shrugged. "Eh," she said. "Still hot, either way."

"Now, as I was saying..." the narrator said, "with our heroes _still_ on their way to the next town... and, trust me, it'll take them a while... it always does... what else can you lovely viewers at home look forward to?" He paused. "Seriously, throw ideas at me. I got nothing over here."

"Hey..." Misty suddenly said, "where's Azumarill?"

"You've only just noticed?"

"Yeah."

"... Over by that tree, dressed in black and crying about a lost love. Anyway..."

"Thanks!"

"You're welcome. Anyway..."

"Ai yai yai, I'm your little butterfly~!" Pikachu sang. "Green, black and blue make the colours in the sky~! Pika Pika... Pika Pika..."

"... Anyway..."

"Guys, are you ready to listen to me now?" Piplup cried as he ran towards the group. He was instantly struck down by two more Draco Meteors.

"... Anyway..."

"You toss me right round, baby, right round~!" Ash sang to Misty. "Like a Koopa, baby, right round, round, round~!"

Misty responded by doing just that. Picking him up, squashing him into a shell shape and tossing him, that is. He crashed into the trees and disappeared.

"... Stay tuned... though, honestly, if I were you, I'd run. Far away. I can't leave, because I'm bodiless, but _you_ can. Save yourselves!"

**To Be Continued...**


	4. The Mon Day Blues

Author's note: Huzzah! Chapter four hath cometh! Is anyone excited? Anyone?

... Well, it certainly seems like the crickets are excited! Listen to them chirp!

Anyway, your bus ride into Random Land awaits...

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter Four<strong>**: The Mon Day Blues**

"Oh, wow, the readers are still here!" Ash said with a grin.

"I dunno whether to be scared or impressed..." Misty said.

In her arms, she held the newly devolved Azurill. How did it devolve? Eh, the power of angst. It can do amazing things. Oh and it had laryngitis. Again.

"Drawing things is fun!" Tracey cried, sketching the nearest bush.

"Hey," May said, "how about we make more Stupid Mario Brothers references?"

"No!" Max cried. "For the love of God, no!"

Dawn turned slowly in his direction. "Did you just use the 'g' word in a kids' show?" she asked threateningly.

"But... but you used it in an earlier-"

"Quiet! Or Not-4Kids will totally be on me about that..."

"You know what this fic's humour reminds me of?" May asked. "Sgt. Frog. Has anyone seen that anime?"

"Not really."

"Nope."

"Nuh-uh."

"Does she mean Keroro Gunso?"

The author will let the viewer decide who said what there.

"Hurry up with that drawing, Tracey!" Ash groaned. "We don't have all day! If we hurry, we can finally get to May and Dawn's long-awaited contest by the next chapter!"

"Hey, I've yet to get my time in the spotlight, okay, Ash?" Tracey replied.

"Why? It's not like the author just _forgot_ to put you in chapter one! She totally intended for you to join the group in chapter three!"

"Yeah!" May added, smiling. "It was a big, important plot device! Like how Azurill... I mean, Azumarill... I mean Azu- _whatever_... having laryngitis the first time was a big, important plot device! And _not_ totally forgetting to give Azu... thing lines! Right, ravengal?"

A tumbleweed blew past in response.

"... Anyway..." Ash said, "stop drawing the ivy bush, so we can leave already!"

"Ivy?" Brock asked. "Ivy!" He fell to the floor and curled into a ball. "No... please... not again..."

"... Brock," May said, "you seriously need to cut that out... It's scaring the children..."

Brock suddenly leapt to his feet. "But you don't know what it was like! You just don't know!"

"... Do I _want_ to know?"

"I... saw things... Terrible things..."

"Okay, stop. Seriously, stop."

"The things Professor Ivy showed me... they were horrible..."

"Stop it, right now."

"It took me until movie six to finally hear her name without regressing!"

"If you don't stop right this instant, I'm censoring you!"

"... Eastenders..."

"... What?"

"_She made me watch a week's worth of Eastenders_!" He fell back to the floor and sobbed.

"... What the heck's Eastenders?" Misty asked.

"Ohhh, I've heard of that!" Dawn replied. "Some British soap opera set in London that goes waaaay overboard on the drama... Other countries likely have similar shows."

"No more..." Brock whimpered. "No more so'in i' aht... No more cahps o' tahe..."

"Oh, you poor thing..." May said, kneeling down to pat him on the back.

"Okay, I'm done drawing!" Tracey said, standing up. "Professor Oak's gonna be so impressed with my skill at drawing bushes!"

"Yeah, that's great..." Ash replied. "Can we go now?"

Brock was too busy sobbing to walk, so they carried him on a stretcher.

* * *

><p>"... Say..." May said, "do you think our characteristics as individual characters are <em>obvious<em> enough? Sometimes, I think we're written too similar."

"Yeah, I see what you mean..." Dawn replied. "Any one of us could be saying each line... and there _are_ quite a lot of characters here now..."

"I think we each need to stand out more!"

"Well," Misty said, "I'm the resident tsundere here, so I guess I should start us off." She punched Ash on the back of the head. "Idiot! It's not like I like you, or anything!"

"Oww..." Ash replied.

"Man, I could really go for some chicken noodle soup!" May cried. "Food, food, food, oh, man, I love food!"

"Shopping!" Dawn cried. "Girly things! No need to worry!"

"Oh, brother..." Pikachu muttered. He promptly turned into a Clefairy again, because the author said so. "Hey! At least segway me into this crud!"

Buneary immediately popped out of her Pokeball and appeared by his side. "Helloooo, male nurse~!" she said.

"That joke's been done already."

"So, why are you a Clefairy again?"

"How should I know? And why should you care? Don't you prefer me as a Pikachu?"

"I thought long and hard about it... but, no matter whether you're skinny, yellow and electric, or fat, pink and normal, you remain a smokin' piece of Poke-meat."

"Great..." Pikachu paused, stopping in his tracks. "Wait... something feels... off..."

Buneary stopped beside him. "Off?"

"Yeah... like I'm... not..." He glared at the camera. "Am I not normal-type anymore?"

"Ah, yes," the narrator replied. "That. Well, see, since the last chapter, a new game came out and completely screwed over the typing that's been around since the days of Kanto..."

"Uh-huh..."

"And Clefairy was one of the Pokemon that was affected by it. So, no, you're not normal-type anymore."

"Then what, in Sam Hill, _am_ I?"

"... Fairy-type."

"... F... Fairy-type?" One of Pika- I mean Clefairy's eyes twitched.

"Yes. Fairy-type."

"... _What_?"

"Aww, how cute!" Buneary squealed. She dashed over and hugged him. "You're a pink fairy princess!"

"... I hate you."

"I've always thought of you as a real man's man..."

An image of a bishie Pikachu appeared on a sparkly background. "Hey, babe~" he said.

"But, now, I see you have a feminine side, too!"

The bishie Pikachu was replaced by a moe Pikachu. "Buneary-chan..." he said.

"Somebody kill me..." Clefairy said.

"Oh, sweet!" Ash called out. "The Clefairy from before came back!"

"... For the love of Arceus, please... just kill me..."

"Hurry up, Clefairy, or we're leaving you behind!"

"You too, Buneary!" Dawn called out. "Shopping! Girly things! No need to worry!"

"By the way, can we still breed?" Buneary asked.

"No," Clefairy replied. "We can't."

"Aww, really?"

"Yes. Really. I checked on Bulbapedia. We couldn't breed when Clefairy was normal-type and we can't breed now, either."

"Bummer... Oh well, adoption's an option~!"

"I hath returned!" a voice cried dramatically.

"Wha-?" Clefairy asked before he was glomped by Bellossom. Buneary stumbled backwards from the impact.

"_You_?" Buneary yelled. "I thought we'd left you lying in a puddle of your own tears!"

"Yes... you did..." Bellossom replied, "but, now, I am back! And more confident than ever!" She looked at the Pokemon she was hugging. "... Wait, you're not Pikachu... Still pretty hot, though."

"I know, right?" Buneary added happily.

"I _am_ Pikachu..." Clefairy grumbled. "It's just that the stupid author wanted to find _some_ ridiculous way of getting across that Clefairy are fairy-type now..."

"Daww, how cute~!"

"Totally!" Buneary agreed.

"Anyway, that's not why I'm here! In fact, you'll find out why I'm here in three... two... one..."

"Aha!" a voice cried out. "There you are!" Togetic landed next to them. "Thought you'd sneak a hug from Pikachu while I was gone, did you? Not on my watch!" She paused. "Wait, that's not Pikachu..."

"Oh, for the love of..." Clefairy said. "Please change me back already!"

Instantly, he was a Pikachu again.

"... Oh, hey, Pikachu."

"... You know," Buneary said, "I think I _did_ prefer the fairy princess look..."

"Shut up..." Pikachu replied.

"Anyway!" Bellossom said. "I came back to tell you that I may well have been the author's _first_ shipping with Pikachu!"

"... Say what?" Togetic asked.

"Yes! She thought long and hard about when it was that she'd made the story about me and him... and when she'd read that fanfiction about you and him that she can no longer find... and it's _quite possible_ that my story came first!"

"_Say what_?"

"No way!" Buneary cried.

A pair of sunglasses fell on Bellossom's face. "Yes way," she replied.

Pikachu heaved a sigh. "Bellossom..." he said.

"Yes, my sweet?"

"First off, let go of me."

"Aww, okay..." She let go.

"Second, do you even _remember_ what happened in that story that never made it to paper?"

"Why, of course I do!" She cleared her throat. "It was a dark and stormy night... Wait, no, it wasn't a horror story..."

"Could've fooled me," Togetic said. Buneary smirked and high-fived- or rather, high-oned her.

"It was a bright and sunny day... We approached each other across a beautiful field..."

Pikachu heaved another sigh. "Roll the tape!" he yelled.

* * *

><p>"<em>Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!" Ash cried.<em>

"_Pika," Pikachu replied. "Piiiikaaaa..."_

"_Bellossom~!" Bellossom cried, using Attract._

_A single heart floated towards Pikachu, landing smack on his face. "Pika~!" Pikachu replied, instantly in love._

"_Pikachu, no!" Ash cried. "What are you doing? Attack her!"_

"_Pikachu~!"_

"_Bellossom~!" Bellossom said._

_The two held each other's paws and danced around happily in the field together._

"_Come on, Pikachu!" Ash cried. "Snap out of it!"_

_Suddenly, the Attract wore off. "Pika?" Pikachu asked. He looked at Bellossom for a long moment, letting go of her paws._

"_Bell?" Bellossom asked._

_Pikachu frowned. "Pika!" He smacked her._

_She did a backwards flip and landed on her back. "Bell..."_

_Pikachu ran back over to Ash._

* * *

><p>"Slightly paraphrased..." Pikachu said.<p>

"... Wow," Togetic said, "those were some cruddy writing skills..."

"It was a long time ago..."

Buneary giggled. "Now I see why it was never put to paper!" she said.

"But..." Bellossom said, "but... we had something special..."

"You used Attract on me..." Pikachu replied.

"We were so happy..."

"I was being manipulated..."

"My shipping came before everyone else's!"

"It was a joke shipping!"

"Yeah," Togetic said, "do you really think the story would end like _that_, if she seriously shipped it?"

"But..." Bellossom replied, "but..."

"Now, I know _my_ shipping was based off a fic where Ash and Misty have a son, who goes on an adventure with Pikachu's son, who may or may not also be _my_ son... but at least she was _fairly_ serious about it..."

"Yeah," Buneary said, "and she put Pikachu/Azumarill in _one fic_, before becoming a raging lagomorphshipper... You kinda got the short end of the stick there."

"But..." Bellossom replied, "but..."

She screamed and burst into flames.

"... Well, that was something..." Pikachu said, staring at the pile of ash.

"Alright!" Buneary said, turning to Togetic. "Now it's time to get rid of you, too!"

"Aw, heck, naw!" Togetic replied. "I ain't being like the world and turning to ash!"

"... Was... that a movie two reference?" Pikachu asked.

"So retro!" Buneary said with a smile.

"No, my place is with the Togepi..." Togetic said. "I shall nurture them... and protect them... and pretend that you're their father... Farewell, my love! May our shipping reside in the hearts of others!"

She tossed down a Smoke Ball and disappeared.

"... Sweet!" Buneary cried, glomping Pikachu. "I have you all to myself again! Hopefully for good this time!"

"Joy..."

"Clefairy!" Ash called out, running over. "Come on! I told you we were gonna leave without you!" He paused, then started looking around. "Clefairy? Clefairyyyy! Hey, Clefairy, where'd you go?"

"Pi... Pikapi?"

"Hmm? Oh, hey, Pikachu!"

Pikachu smiled. "Pika!"

"Have you seen Clefairy? We really need to get going."

Pikachu's ears drooped in annoyance. "Pi..."

"Clefaaaairyyyy!"

Pikachu pulled a cell phone from hammerspace, then talked into it. "Yeah, hi. I'd like to order the deluxe package, please... Yeah, extra tall... Alright, thanks. Put it on my tab." He put the phone away, then gasped and pointed into the trees. "Ash! Look! A rare Pokemon!"

"Did you just talk- Oh boy, a rare Pokemon?" He dashed into the trees to find it.

"Three... two... one..."

Ash's scream was a scream that pierced the heavens. Much like a drill. Yay, memes.

"What the heck was that?" Buneary asked.

"Cliffs. Only $10.99 at Walmart. Half price if you buy online, or over the phone."

"Ash!" Misty called out. "Did you fall off a cliff again?" She paused. "N-Not that I care about your safety, or anything! Idiot!"

"I want chicken noodle soup!" May called out. "Can we get some chicken noodle soup?" She paused. "Why are you crying, Blaziken?"

"Shopping!" Dawn called out. "Girly things! No need to worry, Ash!"

"Argh!" Max cried. "The one-dimensionalness! It's rotting my brain!"

The narrator sighed. "Well, I warned you to save yourselves last chapter..." he said, "but you didn't listen, did you? That must mean you're enjoying this... whatever it is. I'm not sure whether to praise you for having the same humour as the author... or _pity_ you for having the same humour as the author. Either way..." He cleared his throat, then put on a deeper, more epic voice. "Next time, on Pokeball Z... will our heroes _finally_ make it to the contest that's been mentioned since chapter one? Will the fourth wall _ever_ stop being broken by people other than Team Rocket? And will Tracey ever stop drawing every random thing he comes across?" He paused dramatically. "Tune in next time on... Can I get an ominous echo at the end? Okay, thanks... Tune in next time on _Pokeball Z_..."

**To Be Continued...**


	5. Polly Pocket Monster

Author's note: Hey, guys! The nonsense train is back in town! Get on board and enjoy the ride!

Reviews create friendship rainbows.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Chapter Five<strong>**: Polly Pocket Monster**

"_Last time, on Pokéball Z_..." the narrator said in an epic echoey voice. He paused. "Wait a minute... Holy crud, we're using an accent on the 'e' now? Intentionally? Huh. I guess ravengal stopped being a lazy piece of-"

"Hey!" Misty called out. "Isn't it about time we got back to parodying Pokémon and not talking about the stupid author?"

"Yes, yes, alright... though stop breaking the fourth wall... Anyway! _Last time, on Pokéball Z_... there were fairies! And stereotypes! And cliffs! And contests that we'll probably never get to! I mean, seriously, who the heck wants to read about a contest? With all the flowery wording and the lack of interesting- Is that the town up ahead?"

"Oh, my gosh!" May cried. "Am I actually gonna get to compete in the legendary contest that's been alluded to since chapter one?"

"Nawww, impossible," Ash replied. "ravengal (with a small 'r') wrote that detail at the last minute! She never intended the fic to go past the first chapter, never mind you actually _getting_ to the contest! Right, raveng-?"

"Stop talking to the author!" Misty yelled, pulling on Ash's ear. "I've had it up to _here_, hearing all about _her_! It's time for more _us_!"

"... You're right. You know, you're right!" He pulled away from her hand. "It's time to continue my journey to be a Pokémon Master!" He broke into song. "I wanna be the very best~! Like no one ever was~!"

"Yeah!" Dawn cheered. "You can do it, Ash!"

"... I really don't think he can, at this point," Misty replied.

"Oh, come on!" May said with a smile. "You're being overly harsh. I mean, he's only ten. He's got plenty of time to grow!"

"... He's been ten since the author was ten."

"... So?"

"At the time of writing this chapter, she's twenty-six."

May and Dawn's eyes widened as they turned to Ash. The trainer, not the substance.

"Really?" Dawn asked.

"How do you do it?" May asked.

"Fountain of youth?"

"Magical spell?"

"Demonic soul-stealing?"

"Plot contrivances?"

"Cruddy writing?"

"Anyway!" Ash said quickly. He looked around. "Where are Brock, Max and Tracey? I haven't heard them being annoying for a while."

"The author forgot to write them in," Misty replied, "so she told them to leave for now."

Ash grinned. "Aww, sweet! That means I get my own harem!" He rubbed just under his nose, in the manner of a true shounen main character. "Aww, yeah~!"

Misty beamed at him. "Sure thing, Ash!" She paused for dramatic effect. "When you're _older_!"

May played a guitar riff, while a pair of sunglasses fell on Misty's face.

"Spoilsports..."

* * *

><p>"Help!" a woman cried. "My Pokémon's not obeying me like the slave it's supposed to <em>be<em>!"

"Heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Help!" a man cried. "I fell for a very obvious trap set by Team Rocket!"

"Heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Help!" a young boy cried. "I can't catch this incredibly weak Pokémon!"

"Heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Help!" a young girl cried. "I can't open this pickle jar!"

"I'm the heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Are we ever gonna get to this blasted contest?!" May yelled.

For some unknown reason, Ash decided to jump off the nearest building. Fifty feet in the air.

"I waaaanna be a hero~! Pokémon Advanced~!"

"... Why must he always do this?" Misty asked. "And when did his ideals change?"

"We will be heroes~! We can change the world, if we tryyyy~!"

"Dunno," Dawn replied, "but no need to worry! Someone always catches him at the bo-" There was an almighty crunch. "... Never mind."

* * *

><p>The four humans and three Pokémon (that had yet to speak, due to currently being unimportant to the story, but, trust me, they're there) stared up at the building in front of them.<p>

May's eyes sparkled. "It's finally happening!" she squealed. "My lifelong dream of obtaining another ribbon, only to lose in the Grand Festival, then go on to a different region, is finally being realised!"

"I know!" Dawn replied. "It's-" She suddenly spotted something. "Hey, is that the guys?"

They all turned to see Max dragging Brock by the ear, while Brock was crying something about Nurse Joy and how he'd never find another woman like her anywhere in the world. Tracey was following after them, drawing a picture of Max dragging Brock by the ear, while Brock was crying something about Nurse Joy and how he'd never find another woman like her anywhere in the world. And Croagunk... was staring directly at the camera with a creepy grin on his face. Eep.

"Hey, Max is good for something, _after_ all!" May said.

"Hey!" Misty yelled. "Ensuring Brock stays celibate is _my_ job!" She stormed over and grabbed Brock's other ear.

"Hey, leggo!" Max yelled, tugging harder.

"No, _you_ leggo!" Misty tugged harder.

"Hey! Ow!" Brock cried. "I don't approve of abusing me for comedy!"

Croagunk decided to shove a Poison Jab up Brock's butt, for good measure.

"Haha, Brock's in pain!" Ash said, spewing the popcorn he'd randomly been eating everywhere.

"... Hey, Pikachu?" Buneary asked.

"Yeah, what?" Pikachu replied.

"Ten berries says Brock'll eventually get a girlfriend!"

"... I won this bet the moment you finished that sentence. Now, pay up."

"... Yeah... I guess this world will forever be..." She put on some sunglasses. "A Brock-blocker. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!"

"... That joke was lame."

"Aww."

* * *

><p>Inside the building, tickets in hand, May was bouncing up and down so fast that she was drilling a hole through the floor. Literally. She was halfway to Kalos already. Dawn was turning her paper around, trying to figure out if her number was ninety-six or sixty-nine.<p>

Suddenly, music started playing.

_Awhh! Girl, that look at body~! Awhh! Girl, look at that body~! _Drew shuffled across the room. _Awhh! Girl, look at that body~! Awhh!_

He held up a hand and stopped the music. Then he procured a glass of water from nowhere and dumped it on himself. Shaking it off in slow motion, he, yet again, made the very air around him sparkle.

"Hey, Drew!" May said.

"... Does he always greet you like that?" Dawn asked.

"Like what?"

"Hey, May," Drew said in what, by all rights, should be the silkiest voice known to man. In actual fact, he sounded like a bratty little kid. Or like he had a bad cold, depending on which dub you're watching.

May smiled at him. "Beautifly said to stop leaving messages on his/her answering machine, because he/she is not interested in Pokémon/human relations!" She paused. "Oh, unless you start growing flowers out of your hair. He/she calls dibs on the nectar."

Drew swept his hair back dramatically. "Hmph. Alright, then. Guess I'm off to grow flowers out of my hair. I shall return, Beautifly-senpai! And then... then you will notice me."

As he walked away, the music started up again.

_I'm sexy and I know it~!_ He switched to shuffling away. _I'm sexy and I know it~!_

"Tsk!" a voice said. "That guy is, like, such a total poser... Hmm? Hey, May-doll~!"

"Harley!" May replied happily. "My best friend who's never tried to be mean or underhanded towards me in any way! Hi~!"

Rushing over, Harley giggled like the schoolgirl he is. "Hiiii, best friend I only wanna strangle _slightly_!"

"Strangle?" Dawn asked.

"Yep! She, like, totally looks exactly like the witch in kindergarten who ate my snackie!" His face took on a dark look. "Never forgive. Never forget."

May laughed. "My rivals were so condescending back in the day!" she said.

"Hey, Dawn," a voice said.

"Oh, hey, Zoey!" Dawn replied.

"Sup."

"Oh, not much."

"... What the heck?!" May cried. "A friendly rival?! One who _isn't_ out to either belittle your efforts or stab you in the back?! _What is this witchcraft_?!"

"Hey, Dawn," another voice said.

"Oh, hey, Kenny!" Dawn replied.

"How's it going?"

"Oh, good, thanks!"

"Oh, COME ON!" May yelled.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the stands...<p>

"Paul-senpai~!" Ash cried, making sure to sit right next to his best friend in the whole world. "What are _you_ doing here? I didn't know you liked contests! Or socialising!"

"I don't," Paul replied, not looking at him. "I'm only here to sneer at people who fail. Like you. So, allow me to tell you why you suck at life."

"Aww, I love you, too, man!"

"Hey, Ashy-boy!" a voice said. "Don't tell me you've replaced me."

"It's Guh-Guh-Guh-Gary!" Misty said.

"Oh, hey, it's MMMMistehhhh!"

"... Guys, no one will get that reference," Ash said. "Anyway! No, Gary, of course I'd never replace you! You're my special friend that I only resent _slightly_!"

Gary smirked. "Heh. What's the matter, loser? Jealous of my mad skillz?"

"Uh oh... he's attained jerk status again! Unacceptable!" Ash leapt onto his chair, one foot epically resting on the back of the person sitting in front of him. No one cares about that guy, though. Forming a heart shape with his hands, Ash pointed it at Gary. "Negative heart... lock on! OPEN HEART CARE BEAR STARE OF FRIENDSHIIIIIP!"

A beam of light shot out and engulfed Gary, who screamed in agon- I mean happiness. Happiness at having the _evil_ blasted out of him.

"Urgh... phew... Thanks, Ash! My bestest best friend in the whole world that I would never belittle for being a much worse trainer than me! I randomly wanna be a professor like my grandpa now!"

"Much better, maggot." Ash sat back down.

"Everyone gets a taste of the Care Bear Stare eventually," Misty said. "Even me."

"Oh yeah?" Gary asked.

"Yep. I used to be a jerk like you. Then I took a friendship in the knee."

"Me too!" everyone in the crowd said, holding up their knees.

Ash pouted. "The only one I can't get it to work on is Paul..." he said. "Every time, it just bounces right off... but I'll manipulate your heart one day, Paul! One day..."

"I have no heart," Paul replied.

"So, who _is_ the old man, anyway?" Gary asked, motioning towards Paul.

"Oh, he's my rival!" Ash replied.

"I'm eleven, you waste of space," Paul said.

Gary stared. "You're _eleven_?!" he asked. "But you look at least twenty!"

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he? He also looks the spitting image of Pyramid King Brandon! I'm totally headcanoning that they're father and son!"

"Pyramid King?" Misty asked, returning Azurill to its Pokéball, because the author can no longer be bothered giving it lines.

"Yeah. Long story. Guy who's part of Paul's angsty backstory that isn't very angsty."

"Ah."

"Hey, Ash!" a voice called out before someone invaded Ash's personal space from behind.

"Oh, hi!" Ash replied. "Uh... who are you again?"

"... Serena?"

"..."

"Your childhood friend?"

"..."

"The one you met in summer camp and bandaged after a nasty fall?"

"..."

"The one whose main reason for existing is to ship with you?"

"... Never heard of you!"

"What a kid," another voice said. "You know who's a kid? _He's_ a kid. Such a kid."

"How delectably delicious for all these tasty ingredients... and, by that, I mean people... to be served in one dish!" another voice said. "The result is a perfect blend of sweet and sour that simply tantalises the taste buds! Food pun, food pun, food pun, food pun..."

"Won't you take my brother's hand in marriage?" another voice asked. "Please? Please?! I'm desperate for a big sister!"

Elsewhere, there was an explosion, followed by a scream. Several members of the audience were now sporting black afros.

"... So, I wonder when the contest's gonna start?" Ash asked with a smile.

Misty sighed beside him.

"... And so..." the narrator said, "as our heroes await the start of the contest... Wait... holy mother of Arceus! We're actually doing this thing?! Lemme read my notes quickly... Oh, sweet Palkia, it's actually happening!" Suddenly, his voice became a booming echo. "_As our heroes await the start of the contest_,_ I suddenly feel like this fic is going somewhere_!_ It has direction_!_ Where will it go from here_? _What exciting adventures await_?_ Tune in next time, for the next exciting instalment of How Do You Get Pikachu Onto A... I mean... Poke Him On_!"

**To Be Continued...**


End file.
